So, it's been a while since I've posted anything to this journal; mainly because it's all been going into notebooks.
For those that are curious this is where I've been and where I'm at. Where I'm going is the "X" on a treasure map you see in pirate movies. It is the journey of smooth sailing followed by storms, and jagged rocks hidden beneath seemingly deep waters. It is hunger and thirst and exhaustive digging. It is every booby trap ever laid; evry patch of quicksand and every alligator ridden stream. And once I've past all those things the digging begins. That's when I'll get to the treasure.
I've had to make some drastic changes over the past year. New home; new job; and some new friends. I've had to abandon my old way of thinking and doing things for the most part. This has been no easy feat on my part because it also involved ending relationships that included family members, childhood friends, and a marriage. What I've learned is that change is often a painful event. People don't always like when you change for the better and it doesn't include their vision of what you should be. Change also requires looking at yourself and then performing field surgery at times to remove the bits and pieces of yourself that are causing the infection in the first place so you can allow the wounds to heal. Some days it can hurt like hell.
Good news is that I am ok today. All in all my life continues to change and with every piece of negativity I get rid of I get a so much more in return. So i'm cue'd up to quit smoking. I stopped for almost a week when i found out I was losing my job at the end of the month. We were bought out by a competitior of my biggest client nothing I can control on that note. Also that same day two friends who do so much for everyone got in a wreck and walked away scratchless. Their one year old son died from a broken neck. His birthday was 2 days earlier. It made the problems of the week shrink in it's shadow. I spent the rest of the week helping others while they tried to help the parents.
My plan is to create another exercise regimen and diet while I quit smoking. I'm getting the heavy bag back from my Ex's this weekend and bought new bag gloves. I still have my jumprope and free weights. I haven't had drink in over a year. Maybe I might want to get into shape. Maybe I just want to hit stuff but I'm used to boxing workouts so I can do this in the morning. It falls right in with my other routine I started a few months back. That's the process of meditating early in the morning. It doesn't always go perfectly but most days it helps me clear my head. The meditation lets me look at patterns from the day before i want to keep and some I daily have to get rid of. I've been reading Conversations with God by Neal Donald Walsch. Good book if you can get past the format and your own shit concerning the subject matter. It's been helping me with my meditations.
I'm also studying again. I realized I'm not where I want to be in my career so i'm taking time to figure that out and plan on making moves toward that by the middle of this year. I like my field so I need to do more toward adavancing what i know and am capable of doing. The door can be so wide open.
Lastly, I'm not willing to just get in the bed with any beautiful girl that finds me charming or even date them for that matter. I'm taking the time to be friends and get to know htem which is something I did once upon a time before I bacame a womanizing whore. And yes i am ok with my womanizing ways of the past. I still speak to mostly all of them and are on good terms. This is mainly due to I'm a father to a wonderful litlle girl. She'll be 11 sunday. I don't want her to pick a guy like me when she grows up so I have no choice but to become a better me.
So that's it. That's where I'm at. Sails full headed toward adventure and I hope I don't fucking drowin, get shipwrecked , or worse eaten while I'm on the damn boat.
I can't remember exactly when, but at some point very early The Demon God began demanding sacrifices. Some of them were innocent or so I thought. Either way the demand eventually becomes too high. Eventually just like any God it wants bodies and souls and everything it can possibly fucking consume. You see if you keep feeding something it generally gets bigger. Somethings even outgrow their leashes and decide to walk you. The only thing that can be done then is to trap it and deprive it of food. Once is weakened you must keep it that way. This is the only way for things you just can't kill.
I say all this because I had a few personal issues I had to deal with this weekend. My New God demands just as many sacrifices. Most are just as painful but serve the greater good. It 's demands that I give are paralel with what I get. Even when I don't it still gives. With that in mind I sacrificed myself this weekend; both my time and my body to the greater good. Even in my own loneliness, somebody else lived today because I got out of my own selfishness.
For me that's worth the price Dragon Con.
It's been 71/2 months, 2jobs, 2 apartments, 1 death and 1 divorce. Still I haven't budged on goal numero uno. Life has a way of changing around you when you endeavor to change. Omnia Mutanto will soon be tattooed on my collar bones. It means "everything changes". Despite everything that has happened I am ok today. Ok enough to keep looking forward regardless of what happens because ultimately for every bit of hard times I've actually had more good in my life than bad. I wrote this to keep it mind because I forget. Pandora left hope in the box. That was enough.
"There once was a bird
her name was Enza
I opened the window
and in flew Enza"
Damn it all to hell. I've bben sick for almost 2 days now. I thought it was food poisoning but it turns out there some freaking virus that's going around. The puking, dizzy all the time,crapping on yourself kind. I am not happy right now. Luckily the puking part has stopped but that might be because I've only had gatoraid and chicken broth to eat. This also means my skinny ass has just gotten skinnier. I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked like the fucking Crypt Keeper. I'm heading back home to pass out now.
And yet I'm suffering through this lesson horribly. see in life you can fix things or you can mend things. The difference being something that is mended can easily be torn again. It's a temporary solution. Fixing requires something long term; something that bonds and will hold up under stress. Today I choose to fix what I've broken. It has become so easy to pacify myself with people,places and things that fill my void for all of five minutes. These are just sandbags getting washed away by the flood which has been my life. I just need to wait for the rain to stop and build a damn. It's not an easy thing but today at least I have help with the construction because . I can't build it by myself.
To all the women I've hit on who did not indicate any interest in me; I'm sorry. I now know how you feel. Today I was hit on by a rather large truck driver who works for our company. I've been hit on by a man before but not quite like this. It was uncomfortable. Meaning: Security will be walking me to my car kind of creepy. The guy turned his truck around and got out to flag me down. Did I mention this guy was huge and looked like he just got out of prison?
To those of you I haven't spoken with; I apologize but I'm not sorry. Truth is I'm busy as hell. I never have a complete day off from anything. This includes my nights which are indefinately occupied by my own choosing but then again I don't live with any of you, thank God. This isn't to be mean but I probrably won't be available to some people even when I do have time. It's about choices. It's not that they are bad people at all;. I just don't feel our personalities mesh well. Who I was will always be there; who I am gets to laugh as I walk away.
"Birthdays were the worst days, Now we sip champagne when we're thristy"
And that was normally true for me. But personally; and call me uncultured all you want; I hate Cristal. And there won't be any in a few hours when my birthday hits. It will just be me and these thoughts of mine and I'm okay with that. I've spent many birthdays drunk doing whatever and whoever I wanted and I don't regret any of them. Those were some fun times. Not many people can say they spent their 21st birthday in a nightclub with an unlimited bar tab, awesome DJ's, and a full run of the club to do with as you wish. I'm lucky and I'll always cherish that. It was special. It was magic.
Tomorrow's birthday has a magic all it's own. Magic older than most of us and one that gets more powerful with age. It's focused so that the world around you doesn't get burnt down from not knowing how to use it properly. There have been regrets in the past year. This too is okay. You see I'm if anything fair and don't excuse myself from my role in it all. What I can do is move forward past myself. I get life oustide what is thought of me by others and the only real thing that matters is what I think of myself. That's the magic. You can only figure it out with age and so I'm thankful for another year to try it again.
I'm still having thoughts on mortality today because I forgot something. A friend of mine's father in-law is has been in the hospital for about a week now in critical condition. Several broken bones and a torn artery due to a car accident that wasn't his fault. He had to be air lifted to Atlanta from the town we all grew up in which is almost an hour away and his family has been taking turns waiting at the hospital. I live 15 minutes from the hospital so I think I'll check in on them this week. After all they are a part of my extended family and I know death and the waiting game better than most. I lost myparents in true comic book fashion early, but it took a while. Clark was there for me through each one of them and so was Kim.
Clark for better for worse is my unlikely older brother. I say unlikely because had I not made some mistakes in my life I wouldn't have had the brother I have today. That and the fact that he is white and southern. His mother looks and sounds like Reba McEntyre complete with the saucey attitude with exception being she has a fondness for Marlboro lights and is a cop. I was in Clarks wedding and he was in mine. Mine was easy, his was Chinese, as is his wife and in-laws. I know them all. His wife Huy was a grade behind me in highschool. Her older sister Ngy had the worst of me for 4 years because we always had classes together. I feel for both of them. Their father means the world to them and is the one who got the family out of China when the girls were young. Huy is also due any week now and I hope the added stress she's feeling doesn't cause any complications. I need another nephnew. She and Clark have two beautiful little girls Darren and Rachel. I'm going to go ahead and predict that Troy (the unborn nephnew) will get to meet his grandpa. I fancy myself a writer so I think I can make this story have a happy ending based on hope.