| The Evilutionary Phases of Me |
[Jan. 15th, 2008|04:01 pm] |
So, it's been a while since I've posted anything to this journal; mainly because it's all been going into notebooks.
For those that are curious this is where I've been and where I'm at. Where I'm going is the "X" on a treasure map you see in pirate movies. It is the journey of smooth sailing followed by storms, and jagged rocks hidden beneath seemingly deep waters. It is hunger and thirst and exhaustive digging. It is every booby trap ever laid; evry patch of quicksand and every alligator ridden stream. And once I've past all those things the digging begins. That's when I'll get to the treasure.
I've had to make some drastic changes over the past year. New home; new job; and some new friends. I've had to abandon my old way of thinking and doing things for the most part. This has been no easy feat on my part because it also involved ending relationships that included family members, childhood friends, and a marriage. What I've learned is that change is often a painful event. People don't always like when you change for the better and it doesn't include their vision of what you should be. Change also requires looking at yourself and then performing field surgery at times to remove the bits and pieces of yourself that are causing the infection in the first place so you can allow the wounds to heal. Some days it can hurt like hell.
Good news is that I am ok today. All in all my life continues to change and with every piece of negativity I get rid of I get a so much more in return. So i'm cue'd up to quit smoking. I stopped for almost a week when i found out I was losing my job at the end of the month. We were bought out by a competitior of my biggest client nothing I can control on that note. Also that same day two friends who do so much for everyone got in a wreck and walked away scratchless. Their one year old son died from a broken neck. His birthday was 2 days earlier. It made the problems of the week shrink in it's shadow. I spent the rest of the week helping others while they tried to help the parents.
My plan is to create another exercise regimen and diet while I quit smoking. I'm getting the heavy bag back from my Ex's this weekend and bought new bag gloves. I still have my jumprope and free weights. I haven't had drink in over a year. Maybe I might want to get into shape. Maybe I just want to hit stuff but I'm used to boxing workouts so I can do this in the morning. It falls right in with my other routine I started a few months back. That's the process of meditating early in the morning. It doesn't always go perfectly but most days it helps me clear my head. The meditation lets me look at patterns from the day before i want to keep and some I daily have to get rid of. I've been reading Conversations with God by Neal Donald Walsch. Good book if you can get past the format and your own shit concerning the subject matter. It's been helping me with my meditations.
I'm also studying again. I realized I'm not where I want to be in my career so i'm taking time to figure that out and plan on making moves toward that by the middle of this year. I like my field so I need to do more toward adavancing what i know and am capable of doing. The door can be so wide open.
Lastly, I'm not willing to just get in the bed with any beautiful girl that finds me charming or even date them for that matter. I'm taking the time to be friends and get to know htem which is something I did once upon a time before I bacame a womanizing whore. And yes i am ok with my womanizing ways of the past. I still speak to mostly all of them and are on good terms. This is mainly due to I'm a father to a wonderful litlle girl. She'll be 11 sunday. I don't want her to pick a guy like me when she grows up so I have no choice but to become a better me.
So that's it. That's where I'm at. Sails full headed toward adventure and I hope I don't fucking drowin, get shipwrecked , or worse eaten while I'm on the damn boat. |
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| The No Show.. |
[Sep. 5th, 2007|03:17 pm] |
I can't remember exactly when, but at some point very early The Demon God began demanding sacrifices. Some of them were innocent or so I thought. Either way the demand eventually becomes too high. Eventually just like any God it wants bodies and souls and everything it can possibly fucking consume. You see if you keep feeding something it generally gets bigger. Somethings even outgrow their leashes and decide to walk you. The only thing that can be done then is to trap it and deprive it of food. Once is weakened you must keep it that way. This is the only way for things you just can't kill.
I say all this because I had a few personal issues I had to deal with this weekend. My New God demands just as many sacrifices. Most are just as painful but serve the greater good. It 's demands that I give are paralel with what I get. Even when I don't it still gives. With that in mind I sacrificed myself this weekend; both my time and my body to the greater good. Even in my own loneliness, somebody else lived today because I got out of my own selfishness.
For me that's worth the price Dragon Con. |
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| Still going.... |
[Aug. 9th, 2007|04:54 pm] |
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It's been 71/2 months, 2jobs, 2 apartments, 1 death and 1 divorce. Still I haven't budged on goal numero uno. Life has a way of changing around you when you endeavor to change. Omnia Mutanto will soon be tattooed on my collar bones. It means "everything changes". Despite everything that has happened I am ok today. Ok enough to keep looking forward regardless of what happens because ultimately for every bit of hard times I've actually had more good in my life than bad. I wrote this to keep it mind because I forget. Pandora left hope in the box. That was enough. |
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| Out For The Week. |
[May. 7th, 2007|06:02 pm] |
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And this is the part where I disappear because things aren’t going well. Kinda’ like that right now. I’ll be at the house by myself as of Weds. Well not really as I’m hardly ever there anyway. I’ll be sleeping at the house and walking the dogs. If anyone needs me email will be the best way but if you call leave a message. The dogs have to be walked regularly so I will be in and out when I’m not sleeping. Other than that I’ll be at work or with my people and at meetings. This is not party time at my house. It’s the killing time. You see I quit drinking. It’s been almost 6 months and while I don’t get the shakes I do hear it call me when I’m alone. I just no longer feel like answering. For the first time I’m too goddamned afraid to answer. So, like I said leave a message. I’ll be with friends. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|04:23 pm] |
"There once was a bird
her name was Enza
I opened the window
and in flew Enza"
Damn it all to hell. I've bben sick for almost 2 days now. I thought it was food poisoning but it turns out there some freaking virus that's going around. The puking, dizzy all the time,crapping on yourself kind. I am not happy right now. Luckily the puking part has stopped but that might be because I've only had gatoraid and chicken broth to eat. This also means my skinny ass has just gotten skinnier. I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked like the fucking Crypt Keeper. I'm heading back home to pass out now. |
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| Can't always get what you want.... |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|01:52 pm] |
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And yet I'm suffering through this lesson horribly. see in life you can fix things or you can mend things. The difference being something that is mended can easily be torn again. It's a temporary solution. Fixing requires something long term; something that bonds and will hold up under stress. Today I choose to fix what I've broken. It has become so easy to pacify myself with people,places and things that fill my void for all of five minutes. These are just sandbags getting washed away by the flood which has been my life. I just need to wait for the rain to stop and build a damn. It's not an easy thing but today at least I have help with the construction because . I can't build it by myself. |
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| I apologize... |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|09:10 am] |
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To all the women I've hit on who did not indicate any interest in me; I'm sorry. I now know how you feel. Today I was hit on by a rather large truck driver who works for our company. I've been hit on by a man before but not quite like this. It was uncomfortable. Meaning: Security will be walking me to my car kind of creepy. The guy turned his truck around and got out to flag me down. Did I mention this guy was huge and looked like he just got out of prison? |
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| FYI.... |
[Mar. 14th, 2007|12:46 pm] |
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To those of you I haven't spoken with; I apologize but I'm not sorry. Truth is I'm busy as hell. I never have a complete day off from anything. This includes my nights which are indefinately occupied by my own choosing but then again I don't live with any of you, thank God. This isn't to be mean but I probrably won't be available to some people even when I do have time. It's about choices. It's not that they are bad people at all;. I just don't feel our personalities mesh well. Who I was will always be there; who I am gets to laugh as I walk away. |
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| 02-08-75 - 02-08-07 The Life and Death of Me. |
[Feb. 7th, 2007|11:11 pm] |
"Birthdays were the worst days, Now we sip champagne when we're thristy"
-Notorious B.I.G.
And that was normally true for me. But personally; and call me uncultured all you want; I hate Cristal. And there won't be any in a few hours when my birthday hits. It will just be me and these thoughts of mine and I'm okay with that. I've spent many birthdays drunk doing whatever and whoever I wanted and I don't regret any of them. Those were some fun times. Not many people can say they spent their 21st birthday in a nightclub with an unlimited bar tab, awesome DJ's, and a full run of the club to do with as you wish. I'm lucky and I'll always cherish that. It was special. It was magic.
Tomorrow's birthday has a magic all it's own. Magic older than most of us and one that gets more powerful with age. It's focused so that the world around you doesn't get burnt down from not knowing how to use it properly. There have been regrets in the past year. This too is okay. You see I'm if anything fair and don't excuse myself from my role in it all. What I can do is move forward past myself. I get life oustide what is thought of me by others and the only real thing that matters is what I think of myself. That's the magic. You can only figure it out with age and so I'm thankful for another year to try it again. |
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| A Prayer For The Living |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|09:10 am] |
I'm still having thoughts on mortality today because I forgot something. A friend of mine's father in-law is has been in the hospital for about a week now in critical condition. Several broken bones and a torn artery due to a car accident that wasn't his fault. He had to be air lifted to Atlanta from the town we all grew up in which is almost an hour away and his family has been taking turns waiting at the hospital. I live 15 minutes from the hospital so I think I'll check in on them this week. After all they are a part of my extended family and I know death and the waiting game better than most. I lost myparents in true comic book fashion early, but it took a while. Clark was there for me through each one of them and so was Kim.
Clark for better for worse is my unlikely older brother. I say unlikely because had I not made some mistakes in my life I wouldn't have had the brother I have today. That and the fact that he is white and southern. His mother looks and sounds like Reba McEntyre complete with the saucey attitude with exception being she has a fondness for Marlboro lights and is a cop. I was in Clarks wedding and he was in mine. Mine was easy, his was Chinese, as is his wife and in-laws. I know them all. His wife Huy was a grade behind me in highschool. Her older sister Ngy had the worst of me for 4 years because we always had classes together. I feel for both of them. Their father means the world to them and is the one who got the family out of China when the girls were young. Huy is also due any week now and I hope the added stress she's feeling doesn't cause any complications. I need another nephnew. She and Clark have two beautiful little girls Darren and Rachel. I'm going to go ahead and predict that Troy (the unborn nephnew) will get to meet his grandpa. I fancy myself a writer so I think I can make this story have a happy ending based on hope. |
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| Good Bye Kenny. R.I.P. |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|03:26 pm] |
Today we got the call that our friend Kenny in Houston died. Kenneth had cancer after years of alcoholism. When I met him he was years removed from that and lived in my in-laws basement apartment. My daughter, who is in pieces, affectionately called him Uncle Kenny or the Lizard. We'll miss him but I'm glad he is no longer suffering. He was a good part of our family.
I feel for my daughter. She has the same familiarness with death as I did at her age; the exception being the deaths in her case have been age related. I hope she never experiences the hateful and violent deaths that happen. It's also weird how these things keep happening around my birthday which is thursday. I don't hate the holidays but I've got a pretty impressive body count. The big difference is I hope my daughter doesn't have to add my name (or her mother's for that matter) to her deadlist any time soon.
So, with that in mind, I won't drink to Kenny. Godspeed Lizard. |
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| Black History Month : The State of Black Television |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|01:04 am] |
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Black History Month : The State of Black Television In honor of black history monthy I'm going to do my obligatory rant on The State of Black Television(you should hear a loud booming voice something like Samuel L. Jackson). Winners: UPN/WB=CW: UPN has come along way. I mean these are the same motherfuckers that gave us HomeBoys in Outerspace. But over the years they managed to craft a few gems that were well thought out and well written black tv shows. Even during the merger they managed keep these shows afloat and their over all quality is still there. The shortlist being : All of Us, Everybody Hates Chris, and even if you don't get it black women do, Girlfriends. I'm not too sure about the new show entitled The Game. Some elements work but it's just not a good show. Maybe Reginald Hudlin over at BET should take some notes (I'll get to him later). Lastly, they killed Sam Jones on Smallville but we got Cyborg and Phil Morris as Martian Manhunter in return so I say that was more than a fair trade. We could've wound up with afro wearing brother named Black "something" and a catchphrase like,"sweet christmas!" or "fo' real son!"
ABC: I have several gripes with this network and Grey's Anatomy alone proves you can have more than two negroes on a show and will be watched by millions. Losers: NBC: It used to be Needs Bill Cosby and now stands for No Black Comedies. Seriously, the peacock is still struggling with minorities. Yes, I know they have some strong characters on there shows but mainly it still whitewashed. ABC: See the above and they cancelled My Wife and Kids. It was a fairly decent family show that worked much like According to Jim but covered more ground. Hell, it would have worked if the family was any other race because the topics could effect anybody. ATJ is still on primetime. MW&K is in syndication so not all is lost. And speaking of Lost, they get points for that. BUT how about every other damn show on the network is developed for pretty much the white 25-30 financially ok market? Somethings not right.
CBS: Ok most of your shows aren't that great period from a television in general standpoint. You're floating on your CSI: Miami,Vegas, NY, Atlanta, Chicago, on every night of the week line up. You get a pass.
Fox: Meh. I guess you'll give us another American Idol.
UPN: You gave us HIP HOP POKER. I get that it's marketing that appeals to us but damn! Were we really under represented in the gambling demographic? I mean did we need HIP HOP POKER ? For me it was a case of trying to blacken something that didn't need blackening. Poker is a game of winners and loser. I don't care what color the person is; if want to be on tv playing poker fucking win. BET: Reginald Hudlin you let me down. You'd think with with an all black channel you could develop well written shows to balance out all the great ass shaking videos and reality bullshit you show. It's Black Entertainment Television; is this all we have to offer the world? I'm not even going to say anymore about this. Call UPN. Stay Black Brother.
Special Loser Award Goes To..... VH1/MTV: You gave us the Flavor of Luv not once but twice and it taste like shit. Especially when you pick the worst of all female specimens and exploite the hell out of it. I mean a woman shitting on herself and then getting busted carrying it upstairs sends the wrong message. Granted, you have no real responsibility to the public or those willing to whore themselves out for this type of show however, it is demeaning not just to black women but to all women. I know it was great for ratings. Thanks Fuckers. |
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| UM:Y1 "Oh Shit" |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|10:33 pm] |
To everyone who has ever uttered or thought "you piece of shit"; I want to say thank you and yes I am. Here's the twist you didn't see. Matter only changes states. Sure I can cop to being a POS. The good part of life is that I don't get the choice to stay that way.
Egyptians held scarabs sacred. Why? They rolled shit around all day. They knew this replenished the soil and brought new life.
Being a POS means that once all the negativity is broken down I get to a part of something brand spanking new.(Good for me,Bad for you know who you are)
So when I turn into a rose I hope some of you remember I've still got thorns. I will stick your ass no matter how beautiful I may look. |
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| UM:Y1 "Self Awareness" |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|10:07 pm] |
A buddy of mine said something very profound (in my opinion) tonight.
"I No Longer Have To Live Up To Other People's Insecurities."
This stuck with me because I have always been a very shallow, materialistic, egotistical person in general. In may cases I've done well with that because the extra confidence has allowed me to do things others wanted to do but were afraid to. It has also been one of the sources of my undoing. I don't have to like it but the fact is that most people in some way measure themselves by others standards. It could be having the right car, cloths, job, status, weight, or education. I have been guilty of many of these when I don't have to be. I haven't been any happier for most of it.
I think from here on out I'm going to stop doing this to myself. Granted, I still have a measure of personal pride that won't allow me to be a slob mind you. I'm just not going let certain things which had importance to me be as important. I want to be happy with what I have instead of subconsciously chasing what I don't. That's stress I can simply do wihout.
Oh one more thing...To my friend who just started watching Gilmore Girls; STOP IT! It's just wrong. Don't make me come over there. |
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| I am the tired. I'm wrirting again |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|02:54 pm] |
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My little coke drinking binge took a chunk outta my ass last night. I think I passed out around 4 but never achieved rem sleep. This simply will not do. The only benefit to this is that my mind worked out some more details and page worth of potential script for one of my many characters: Sadi Stik (Sadistic) |
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| UM:Y1 Weekend Update |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|12:48 am] |
Well, the weekend went ok.
Friday was simple enough. I went out and visited some old friends I needed to reconnect with. That was good for me. It's funny even after you don't see people you halfway know after a long absence you can still tell when something is wrong.
Saturday was fairly decent. I took Damian to the park for about an hour. I shot basketball until it started to get dark. One thing is evident. I am so freakin outta shape it hurts. Literally hurts.
Today started with a suprise. My friend Autumn was intown from NYC. Turns out I happen to be at the right place at the right time. Our mutual friend she was here to see (Laura) is going to Is-Real (If you know your history then you know why I just called it that. Compared to violence here the shit over there is real.)weds. for 6 months. Turns out her thesis is on Hezbollah and Hamas. Fuck that shit. I'll get my news from a safe reliable source ; like Fox News. That shit is always fair and balanced. Ok you can stop shooting at me now. The last few statements were a complete joke. But back to the point. I aplaud both of my friends. They seem to be doing very well despite past hurdles. I however wouldn't go to Is-Real right now. But then again I'm not Jewish. I like bacon too much. But it did raise a question in my own head. Given mandatory military service in Is-Real our wonder how many jewish americans (both natural born and converts) serve in the U.S. military?
I also have to admit something. I watched Jersey Girl the other day ; the Kevin Smith movie and not the XXX film with same name. As a father I love that movie. Much of it reminds me of how me and Damian interact. Not to mention I have been a bit of Ben Afleck after not being in the light for so many years and missing it and sometimes having the underlying thought that i want to be somewhere else. Now I've got answer so many questions.
And i drank a coke for breakfast and had one during dinner. It felt sooooo gooooood. But I'm cutting them out again tomorrow. |
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| UM :Y1 |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|12:33 am] |
Let's start at the beginning. I haven't had a Coke (no this is not code for anything else ...lol) in 2 days. I've had water and my antioxidant juice. I'm going freakin' nuts.
I've been mulling over the dream I had last night all day. It was a dream where I kept going in and out of an apartment that was not mine in a south american ghetto. Everytime I left through the front door I'd forget something and would have to climb back in through the window. I was on my way to meet someone else at the beginning. The final time I left I run into my brother on the way to my car. He had just left my friend who I was supposed to meet. Like I said strange dream.
I'm guessing this means two things:
A)It's nuts to keep running back and forth doing the same thing over and over with the same result...me going nuts.
B)I need to distance myself from my family again. I love my bro but our partnership at this point can't lead anwhere good for me.
Plus, I've been waking up hungry in the middle of the night. Everynight I end up getting a pb&j, a glass of milk, and a banana around 2-3am. This is despite the fact I went back to calorie counting, protien ramping and eating 6 meals a day.
OH! I put my chair together today which meansI'm no longer typing from a stack of magazines. |
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| UM:Y1 |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|11:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
With anything you plan on doing you first need to organize to have any success. A few weeks ago I started clearing out my room in our house. Broken pc's, memory and hard drives everywhere, and busted music equipment. This is all under a pile of comic books, weights, paperwork,cd's and more books. So I think I'll round out this week by finishing this one project. After all, I have years of stories to finish and music that hasn't been written. That's the stuff I want to get to.
In other news I'm getting better at coping with things not going my way. You see I know full well that I'm a very self centered person. I've been this way for decades now and it's the hardest habit to break if you have it. But nothing happens without some purpose and some things aren't meant to be. It's not up to me to control this. If I exhaust every option to make something happen and it doesn't give me what I want then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Fate moves us at certain times and most of the time I don't notice it. I'm too busy trying to get what I want when it's not my time.
Oh...Am I sick because I find Rachel Ray #1 on my celeb hookup list? I mean I thought she was hot when she was just shown on the food network and GPTV. Now I get to see her everyday(almost). Just me Rachel and a bottle of extra virgin olive oil.(I'm not giving up my sick sense of humor so to those who are wishing...read the first to paragraphs above on not getting what you want over) |
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| U_Madman: Year One |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|12:24 am] |
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So today I treid a different aproach to how I do things. I've commited myself to a sixteen week class to help change things. The difference is I chose this myself this time. No demands, threats or ultimatums from the outside world or anyone else. I have homework and any screw-ups and I get dismissed. This is the first time I've truly wanted to sit through a class knowing full well how hard it will be. There is no room for distraction. This one thing will set the course for the rest of the year and the decisions I've been stalling on. I don't want anyone to get hurt but I know it's coming. The only difference is that this time it will be for all the right reasons. |
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| The Good, The Bad The , The Absolutely Sociopathic |
[Jan. 8th, 2007|11:09 pm] |
I often isolate myself. It happens most when I shouldn't. After all the rotten things I've been apart of on this planet I'm suprised that I still have friends but unquestionably I do. Even though they don't know it's them who often keep me from going further into the darkness than I've already been. For that I say thank you.
You see I've been broken for longer than anyone can imagine. Longer than any chemicals or life adventures came into play. Even on beautiful days I'm not happy. I can't function like that. It's always like putting together a puzzle when you know there is one piece that's going to be missing at the end. So, WE are going to finish the puzzle this time. I know what it's supposed to look like but I'm gonna need help finishing it. Sometimes another pair of eyes is a good thing.
We don't have to be in our own space or the one someone chooses for us. We are our own group. Even the JLA chooses a new roster every once in a while. I'll always be the Bat. K7, you're always the Amazon, the strong one( Damn you nad that truth lasso. I hate that). Clark has always had that giant S on his chest(for me); it's why we work so well. It's been this way for years, much longer than most people can hope for.
So,Kaiote7 and myself will just have to start a new team. A better team. Mel gets to be Supergirl. |
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